Neal Gladstone Memorial Site

Blog

  • Crazy

    1985 Neal
    Gladstone

    Force feed 50 bowling balls with mud
    And watch a Greek reactionary chew his cud
    He lost his head and went to bed
    With submarine and crew
    Babe am I too crazy for you
    I had a blond cadaver in for tea
    We chewed the fat and tried to play Monopoly
    He grew a beard and disappeared
    On Baltic Avenue
    Babe am I too crazy for you
    A man in Michigan gave birth to a baked Alaska
    They held a benefit to see if he could fly
    With toothpaste in his eye
    Cram a bleached salami in your ear
    And dress a can of midget lips in scuba gear
    If I were you and you were me
    We’d both be in a zoo
    Babe am I too crazy for you
    I sent a ton of broken rubberbands to China
    I asked a herd of baby onion rings to dance
    A Harlequin Romance
    I spent a week in Cleveland eating clay
    And taught the Russian army how to macrame`
    I took a pee in Tennessee
    And nearly caught the flu
    Babe am I too crazy for you

  • Cool Maroon

    1987 Neal
    Gladstone
    and
    Fred Child
    Now I’m a guy who’s been a-round the block a time or
    two
    And I can’t help but notice what you’re wear-ing
    Now if you want so-phisti-cated girls to look at you
    You’d better try to dress a bit more daring
    Now white is al-right and gray is O-K
    But if you want those pretty cit-y chicks to swoon
    Step out of those blues
    Get your-self into some different hues
    And slip into some cool ma-roon
    Now Mother nature blushed the day that Jack laid eyes
    on Jill
    “Holy cow!” he said, “This chick’s astounding!”
    When he chased her up that hill
    He thought he was in for a thrill
    And heaven knows his little heart was–pounding
    But Jill was not impressed
    She didn’t dig the way he dressed
    That romance flopped when she popped his balloon
    Now Jackie boy struck out
    Between you and me there is no doubt
    He should have dressed in cool maroon
    Bridge
    Now when you make your way
    Down the Champs Ely-see’
    A million gay Parisiennes will a-dore ya
    They all under-stand vous etes ameri-cains
    When you let your poly-esters do your talkin for
    ya
    Now the Ruskies and the Yanks
    They’ve really had their ups and downs
    And everybody wants negotiations
    They advertize their missile size
    And throw their weight around
    Hey that’s no way to smooth out our relations
    Why don’t they get hip and drop this crazy ego trip
    If you want those Muskovites to change their tune
    Chuck those ugly threads
    If you want to turn their heads
    Negotiate in cool maroon
    We’re talking some kind of red

  • American Dawg

    © 1990 Neal Gladstone

    I stand 2 foot 3 I weigh 29 pounds
    My teeth are yellow and my eyes are brown
    I got a four inch nose stickin’ out of my face
    And if you’re lookin’ for trouble, you come to the right
    place cause
    I’m an American dog: DAWG
    I’m man’s best friend so you better not mess with me
    I was born in an alley in the freezin cold
    My mama left me when I was six weeks old
    My daddy was a drifter till he ran outa luck
    Had a difference of opinion with a Chevrolet truck
    Chorus
    The neighborhood ladies they know what I got
    My nose may be cold but my blood is hot
    Don’t put me on a leash, I don’t like to be confined
    Cause I’m the 7th son in a litter of nine
    Chorus
    You better feed me good, you better treat me right
    Or I’ll pee on your rug, and I’ll bark all night
    I’m an American dog that’s the way I am
    Don’t give me none of that dry food–I like the stuff
    in the can
    Chorus
    See the Discarded
    Lyrics for this song

  • Cool Maroon

    1987 Neal
    Gladstone
    and
    Fred Child
    Now I’m a guy who’s been a-round the block a time or
    two
    And I can’t help but notice what you’re wear-ing
    Now if you want so-phisti-cated girls to look at you
    You’d better try to dress a bit more daring
    Now white is al-right and gray is O-K
    But if you want those pretty cit-y chicks to swoon
    Step out of those blues
    Get your-self into some different hues
    And slip into some cool ma-roon
    Now Mother nature blushed the day that Jack laid eyes
    on Jill
    “Holy cow!” he said, “This chick’s astounding!”
    When he chased her up that hill
    He thought he was in for a thrill
    And heaven knows his little heart was–pounding
    But Jill was not impressed
    She didn’t dig the way he dressed
    That romance flopped when she popped his balloon
    Now Jackie boy struck out
    Between you and me there is no doubt
    He should have dressed in cool maroon
    Bridge
    Now when you make your way
    Down the Champs Ely-see’
    A million gay Parisiennes will a-dore ya
    They all under-stand vous etes ameri-cains
    When you let your poly-esters do your talkin for
    ya
    Now the Ruskies and the Yanks
    They’ve really had their ups and downs
    And everybody wants negotiations
    They advertize their missile size
    And throw their weight around
    Hey that’s no way to smooth out our relations
    Why don’t they get hip and drop this crazy ego trip
    If you want those Muskovites to change their tune
    Chuck those ugly threads
    If you want to turn their heads
    Negotiate in cool maroon
    We’re talking some kind of red

  • Come to America

    1988 Neal
    Gladstone

    Sometimes when I feel blue, my dreams are pale and few
    I drift through my mind, back to a time when summer was fine and new
    And your memory comes like a breeze through the roses, warm in the
    afternoon
    Please come to America I’ll be here waiting for you
    Those days still fill my dreams, They flow like summer streams
    We soaked in the sun fell in love some and before we’d begun it seems
    That those days slipped away like a train from the station bound for
    a rendezvous
    Please come to America I’ll be here waiting for you
    BRIDGE
    Happy landing, best of wishes
    Foreign dreams, and foreign kisses
    Tonight the moon will rise Uniting distant skies
    And light from the stars will travel so far
    To sparkle in foreign eyes
    And I send up a dream maybe magic and moonlight
    Can make such a dream come true
    Please come to America I’ll be here waiting for you
    Happy landing, best of wishes
    Foreign dreams, foreign kisses
    Different ways and different notions
    Summer nights on distant oceans

  • Cheatin’ on Me

    © 1993 Neal
    Gladstone

    I’m in here drinkin Cause I in here thinkin
    Bout you out there cheatin on me
    And in this cunundrum I find myself wonderin
    How I could have been so naive
    My friends gave me warnin but I just ignored em
    I wore my poor heart on my sleeve
    I guess only cupid could make me so stupid
    And blind as a damn fool can be
    CHORUS
    So hey ho set em up Joe,
    And pour me another surprise
    And I’ll be contented to sit here fermented
    And curse you till the day that I die
    Verse 2
    Now I’ve had my share of pain and despair
    Now I’ve had my portion of pain and misfortune
    But I never felt this low before
    And in this condition I find myself wishin
    I could fall through the cracks in the floor
    And when I get sober sometime next October
    I might wander back to this bar
    And drain the place empty and toast to the memory
    Of what a cruel devil you are

  • Calm Cool and Collected

    ©1985 Byron Walls
    When heavy decisions come up I don’t have to think twice
    I’m so together Ann Landers writes me for advice
    When world leaders get in a mess
    I’m the expert they always request
    For me nothin’s hard and on my business card it says
    Calm cool and collected
    In a car or a plane at home on the street on the job
    Whatever the question, hey, I’ve got the answer, no prob
    No matter how bumpy the ride
    I can take every chuck hole in stride
    What can I say I was born that way
    Calm cool and collected
    Verbal abuse leaves me mostly just mildly amused
    Tell me to jump in the lake I just smile and refuse
    I know how to pull out a plane when it pitches and rolls
    When he’s in a tight spot Chuck Yeager hands me the controls
    He knows when he’s in a jam
    To call on the better man
    Nothin’s too tough if you’ve got the right stuff and you’re
    Calm cool and collected
    The first lady says no one’s as charming as me
    If I weren’t so modest I guess I’d be forced to agree
    With ten seconds left in a game that one basket will win
    The crowd has no doubt as to which one the coach will put in
    I dribble pivot and set
    My impossible shot clears the net
    The crowd goes berserk when I go to work so
    Calm cool and collected
    When Clapton needs needs some cool bars
    He asks me to bring my guitar

  • By the Sea

    © 1979 Neal Gladstone

    One fine day we drove away
    Over to the ocean
    We packed up a lunch
    And a snack to munch on the way
    The sun was high and so was I
    So I put on some lotion
    Burnin’ again and
    Thankin’ Mama N for this lovely day
    Oh we had a wonderful time
    The beaches were in perfect condition
    Oh the only thing on my mind
    Was how to find a comfy position
    CHORUS
    By the sea, by the beautiful sea
    You can see for a hundred miles
    Every drop every grain
    Splashed around in my brain
    As I stand in the sand by the sea
    By the beautiful sea
    Then we went in, felt our skin
    Turn from flesh to frozen
    We giggled and flinched
    Groaning every inch of the way
    Oh we had a wonderful time
    Sharing the beach with the seagulls
    Oh you know I didn’t even mind
    Losing my lunch to a beagle
    CHORUS

  • Bodyworks

    © Neal
    Gladstone

    You wake up in the morning
    You crack a scarlet eye
    You drank too much
    And went to bed too late
    Your health is in the blender
    It’s time to make a change
    You never will till you appreciate
    The way the body works
    You go to see a doctor
    He’s greedy and obscene
    He makes you wait
    And then he takes your dough
    But when you get pneumonia
    Or cancer of the spleen
    I tell you, folks,
    I’m really glad they know
    The way the body works
    It suffers scrapes and breaks
    And sprains and various abuses
    It fixes every one of them
    And no excuses
    And under certain circumstances
    Even reproduces
    The body works…
    The body works…yeah yeah
    Survives Chicago winters
    And Los Angeles air
    And chews a tuna sandwich on request
    It lives on Coca Cola
    And does its own repair
    I tell you, boys,
    I really am impressed
    The way the body works

  • Blues Dilemma

    ©2008 Neal Gladstone

    Wooooah
    I’m a blues singer baby and as you might expect
    I tend to be dejected and my love life is a wreck
    This unfortunate condition is the price of my success
    Cause my fans are only happy as long as I’m depressed
    O Baby, you know what I mean
    I’m the every-single-song-someone-done-me-wrong queen
    Now I get mighty tired of always feelin blue
    I wonder what it be like to try out something new
    But the game of fame and fortune it keeps me in a jam
    In fact the worse I feel the more popular I am
    Oh baby, it’s the same routine
    I’m the every-single-song-someone-done-me-wrong queen
    Now Charlie was a boozer And Michael was a cheat
    Leroy took my money And Jake died in his sleep
    Buddy was a liar And Clarence was a jerk
    Rafael was phobic — He was terrified of work
    I went to see a doctor to get me back on track
    He said I needed treatment and put me on Prozac
    A thousand dollars later I gained a little ground
    But as soon as I felt better my record sales went down
    Oh baby, where’s my nicotine
    I’m the every-single-song-someone-done-me-wrong queen
    Now Eddie was a baby And Johnny loved cocaine
    Jay was way too kinky And Bobby went insane
    Dave was pretty normal But he got hit by a truck
    Michael drowned in Puget Sound And Frank ran off with Chuck
    Well, I tore up my prescription and drank a couple beers
    And wrote a million seller that had everyone in tears
    My dreams of love and romance have all gone up in smoke
    But I’d rather be in misery than satisfied and broke
    Oh baby, call my limosine
    I’m the every-single-song-someone-done-me-wrong queen