Category: Uncategorized

© 1986 Neal
Gladstone

He was seeking a new direction
For his colored slide collection
Took a trans-Atlantic flight
For 7 days and 7 nights
Well you know the sign was hidden
Saying pictures are forbidden
So he focussed in his Nikon
On a sacred ancient icon
When a copper from the crowd
Shouted, “Pictures aren’t allowed!”
As they clamped a rusty shackle on his limb
Everybody knows it but him
Her hair had barely finished drying
When her Afghan started crying
So she took him for a walk
Saw a neighbor, stopped to talk
Well her Afghan begged his pardon
In Miss Bentley’s tulip garden
And Miss Bentley came out screaming
With her purple Mohawk gleaming
She was up for altercation
And demanded explanation
Of how such an outrage ever could occur
Everybody knows it but her
Now you can picket General Motors
Join the League of Women Voters
Have some world-wide adventures
Buy subordinate debentures
Be a star of motion pictures,
Marry rich and marry richer
But somewhere you always know it
Though you try hard not to show it
That you’re shackled by a chain
To monotony and pain
And there’s not a bloody thing that you can do
Everybody knows it but you
Well I can play in bars forever
Bleach my hair and dress in leather
Play a custom Telecaster
Use both hands to play it faster
Drive a Porche and wear and earring
Sing the blues and lose my hearing
See a doctor for depression
Get arrested for posession
But my dream to be a famous cock
Is nothing but a shameless crock
Of self-indulgent grandiosity
Everybody knows it but me!

© 1982 Neal
Gladstone
When you have unhealthy habits and your body falls apart
And you need another kidney and you need another heart
Get cloned, get cloned
When you have a date with Sally but you’d rather be with
Sue
And you’d like to keep her happy and you don’t know what
to do
Send clone, send clone
Always glad to see you
He will never leave you
See yourself as others see you
You will never be alone CLONE
When you pull a stupid blunder you feel clumsy and inane
And you’d like to blame somebody but there’s no one else
to blame
Blame clone, blame clone
When you have an ugly problem and it’s getting out of
hand
And you need to find somebody who will really understand
Tell clone, tell clone
Always glad to see you
He will never leave you
See yourself as others see you
You will never be alone CLONE
When your needs are strange and nasty and your friends
keep leaving town
And you need to find somebody who will never turn you
down
Use clone, use clone

© 1997 Neal
Gladstone

Good things come out of my mind
Bad things come out too
I never quite know what my mind will do
Until I’m thinkin about you
When I’m thinkin bout you bout you
I sure like thinking bout you
The very best thing that my mind can do
Is write a little song
And do a little thinkin bout you bout you
Good notes come out of my mouth
Bad notes come out too
I never quite know what my mouth will do
Until I get around you
When I get around you around you
It sure likes kissin on you
The very best thing that my mouth can do
Is sing a little song
And do a little kissin on you on you
This old body groans and creaks
It drinks too much coffee eats too much sweets
Well it breaks down fast and it comes back slow
But it sure perks up around you
Good things come out of my heart
Bad things seldom do
I never quite know what my heart will do
Until I get around you
When I get around you around you
It sure starts beatin for you
The very best thing that my heart can do
Is pump a little love
And do a little beatin for you

1985 Neal
Gladstone

My baby treated me bad
She took all the money we had
She moved to Honolulu to live with a guru
She found in a magazine ad
Tomorrow the rent payment’s due
My job at the factory fell through
But I won’t dispair I’m gonna pull up a chair
And do what them songwriters do
I’m gonna write me a
Country cliche, a country cliche
Cuz I need a hit in a very bad way
Radio please won’t you play
My country cliche
In all my dreams your face appears
Your pillow is soaked with my tears
It hurt so today when the man called to say
Our new bedroom set’s in at Sears
I don’t know just where we went wrong
I tried so hard to get along
But I’m not denying it might be worth the crying
If I could get rich off this song and write me a
Chorus
Now you can write a hit song too
Just don’t put in too much that’s new
And stick to the rhymes
You’ve heard ten thousand times
So we can sing all the words first time through
And if your true love leaves you cold
And looking at “Playboy” gets old
Don’t think it’s the end, just pick up a pen
And turn your depression to gold
And write you a…

© 2001 Neal Gladstone

Well we’re goin to the landfill Why don’t ya meet us at the landfill Things are comin to a standstill In every other part of town
They’re puttin up a band shell They’re passin out a handbill Yeah we’re going to the landfill And we’re gonna have a real good time
There’s gonna be a demonstration Against a major corporation For repeated violation Of environmental rules
We’re gonna press for litigation There’s gonna be a confrontation And every television station Is gonna put us on the news
Chorus
Well a handsome politician Will make a critical decision To establish a commission To consider the complaint
He’ll do a big investigation
Collect a lot of information He’ll introduce some legislation And nothings gonna change
Chorus

© 1984 Neal
Gladstone

There once was a baby Rainbow, and he lived in a beautiful
creek
With bracken ferns and big fat worms and lots of bugs
to eat
One day while he was swimming, some cheese came floating
by
He was about to bite this new delight when he heard his
mother cry
Chorus
Oh, don’t take a bite, no, don’t take a bite
You must never take a bite of the cheese
You’ll be caught by a man and pulled up on the land
And fried in a pan with grease
There’s grubs and slugs and lightening bugs and lots
of stuff to eat
So whatever you do, you must never take a bite of the
cheese
The baby didn’t listen, and he gave his tail a flip
He bit the cheese just as he pleased, but something caught
his lip
He flipped and flopped and fluttered, but he got pulled
up on shore
And as the man reached out his hand, he heard his mom
once more
Chorus
Oh, don’t take a bite, no, don’t take a bite
You must never take a bite of the cheese
You’ll be caught by a man and pulled up on the land
And fried in a pan with grease
There’s grubs and slugs and lightening bugs and lots
of stuff to eat
So whatever you do, you must never take a bite of the
cheese
The fisherman was hoping for a more substantial snack
He looked and laughed and said, “I’ll have to throw
this baby back”
The baby hit the water! It was his lucky day
And if you walk down by the rock, you still can hear
him say,
Chorus
Oh, don’t take a bite, no, don’t take a bite
You must never take a bite of the cheese
You’ll be caught by a man and pulled up on the land
And fried in a pan with grease
There’s grubs and slugs and lightening bugs and lots
of stuff to eat
So whatever you do, you must never take a bite —
Be it Parmesan or Cheddar, Mozzarella, Swiss or White
—
No whatever you do you must never take a bite of the
cheese

© 1979 Neal Gladstone

One fine day we drove away
Over to the ocean
We packed up a lunch
And a snack to munch on the way
The sun was high and so was I
So I put on some lotion
Burnin’ again and
Thankin’ Mama N for this lovely day
Oh we had a wonderful time
The beaches were in perfect condition
Oh the only thing on my mind
Was how to find a comfy position
CHORUS
By the sea, by the beautiful sea
You can see for a hundred miles
Every drop every grain
Splashed around in my brain
As I stand in the sand by the sea
By the beautiful sea
Then we went in, felt our skin
Turn from flesh to frozen
We giggled and flinched
Groaning every inch of the way
Oh we had a wonderful time
Sharing the beach with the seagulls
Oh you know I didn’t even mind
Losing my lunch to a beagle
CHORUS

1987 Neal
Gladstone
and
Fred Child
Now I’m a guy who’s been a-round the block a time or
two
And I can’t help but notice what you’re wear-ing
Now if you want so-phisti-cated girls to look at you
You’d better try to dress a bit more daring
Now white is al-right and gray is O-K
But if you want those pretty cit-y chicks to swoon
Step out of those blues
Get your-self into some different hues
And slip into some cool ma-roon
Now Mother nature blushed the day that Jack laid eyes
on Jill
“Holy cow!” he said, “This chick’s astounding!”
When he chased her up that hill
He thought he was in for a thrill
And heaven knows his little heart was–pounding
But Jill was not impressed
She didn’t dig the way he dressed
That romance flopped when she popped his balloon
Now Jackie boy struck out
Between you and me there is no doubt
He should have dressed in cool maroon
Bridge
Now when you make your way
Down the Champs Ely-see’
A million gay Parisiennes will a-dore ya
They all under-stand vous etes ameri-cains
When you let your poly-esters do your talkin for
ya
Now the Ruskies and the Yanks
They’ve really had their ups and downs
And everybody wants negotiations
They advertize their missile size
And throw their weight around
Hey that’s no way to smooth out our relations
Why don’t they get hip and drop this crazy ego trip
If you want those Muskovites to change their tune
Chuck those ugly threads
If you want to turn their heads
Negotiate in cool maroon
We’re talking some kind of red

© 1988 Neal
Gladstone

A fair and charming stranger passes by
And sets your heart aflutter with affection
But before you choose to give new love a try
Let me offer just this word about protection
Gleefully we greet the season
Of Mother Nature’s joyful dance
Every beastie bird and flower is preparing for romance
You and I are no exception
We must heed love’s ancient call
But when you get that tingle and feel the need to mingle
There’s one thing I would like to recommend
A little piece of plastic on the end
When you meet that special someone
It may take you by surprise
Rising out of conversation or a twinkle in the eyes
Soon you sense your fondness growing
And you feel your heart on fire
But if the one you fancy appears a little chancy
There’s one precaution that you should extend
A little piece of plastic on the end
God has made you fit and fertile
God has given you the need
Never doubt the huge potential
Of that frisky little seed
Choose from many shapes and colors
Mountainous to micro size
Buy a present for your neighbor in a shade to match his
ties
For a playful party favor that your guests will long
enjoy
And for a stunning innovation in household decoration
Blow some up and hang them in your den
A little piece of plastic on the end
In a risky situation
Stand courageous do not bend
You can rise to the occasion
If you put your faith into your little rubber friend
Gleefully we greet the season
Of Mother Nature’s joyful dance
Every beastie bird and flower throbs with rhythms of
romance
You and I are no exception
We must heed love’s ancient call
But when you get that tingle and feel the need to mingle
The best investment dollar you can spend
Is for a little piece of plastic
A little piece of plastic on the end

Words by Neal
Gladstone

The problem’s not inside your head she said to me
You’re not depressed, my friend, you-just eat horrendously
If you want good health you’ve got to think organically
There must be 50 ways to love your liver
Well Doc, I said, you know that’s easy for you to say
I’m not sure everyone would see it quite that way
But just for argument perhaps you could explain
About the 50 ways to love your liver
Cut done on meat, Pete
Substitute soy, Roy
Drink plenty of juice, Bruce
And listen to me
Back off on fries, guys
Get a little exercize
Take vitamin C, Lee
And have a good pee
She said, “If you keep up like this your liver will
be trashed
These days a transplant costs a 100,000 cash.”
Now hold on doc, I said, we shouldn’t be too rash
There must be 50 ways to save my liver
She just shook her head and handed me the bill
I went home and threw a couple T-bones on the grill
Drank a maritini and wrote out my will
There must be 50 ways to love your liver