Category: Mixed Company

© 1991 Neal Gladstone

Are you tired of the same old grind
Where you scrimp and you work overtime
And in the end some other guy
Gets rich off what you do
Well take a little tip from me
Someone with your ability
Should take the opportunity
That’s waiting here for you
If you want to start a little business that you can call your very own
Just call up your friendly congressman on your touch tone telephone
Send him a case of the best champagne
Write out a check to his campaign
Quick as a wink you’ll have your very own
Savings and Loan
It’s the chance of a lifetime, a deal you can’t afford to miss
You keep all the profits and the tax payers take all the risk
And if you get into a jam
You can always count on your uncle Sam
It’s the sweetest scam you’ve ever known
Savings and Loan
Deregulation is sweeping the nation
America’s the land of the free
There’s plenty of credit so come on and get it
You’re backed up by the FDIC
Now nobody’s gonna to blame ya if you make a few mistakes
And do some speculation in high risk real estate
And if those loans should all go bad
The taxpayers will pick up the tab
And repay the billions that you’ve blown
On your S & L
These deals won’t be around forever. You better get em while they last
Cause your friendly treasury department is running out of money fast
But once your foot is through the door
They can always print some more
Soon you’ll be as rich as Al Capone
In your Savings and Loan

© 1987 Neal
Gladstone

Well my love made me a sandwich with lots of raspberry
jam
I thanked her most profusely cause that’s the kinda guy
I am
Well I took a bite and chewed it down
I rolled a soggy wad around
I really dug the crunchin sound
And when I was done I said, “Hon…
I got a seed in muh teeth and I just can’t get it outa
there
Well try as I might it’s in so tight
And no matter what I do it’s stuck like glue
Yes indeed (Whew w-w-whew)
I got a seed in muh teeth WELL
I looked into the mirror and I gave myself a scare
That seed was jammed in tighter than a rock star’s underwear
Well I picked and tongued and brushed and cleaned
With dental floss and Listerine
With Spic and Span and Mr. Clean
And when I was done I said, “Hon….I
Well I went to see the dentist man and told him what
was wrong
He pulled a giant needle out15 inches long
Well first he yanked my jaws apart
I screamed like hell and I bit him hard
He asked me for my mastercard
And when he was done he said “Son…you
Well I flew right down to Trinidad to see a gypsy woman
My Uncle Deek he told there this kind of thing is common
Well she made me drink a stinky brew
Of lizard balls and camel pooh
My hair fell out my tongue turned blue
And when she was done she said, “Mun…
Well I lost weight and got depressed – it was quite alarmin
Then one day my Uncle Deek said “Boy,
you should take up farmin
Well, I filled my cheeks with corn and rice
They grew like mad to my surprise
I never had to fertilize
And I cross pollinize while I’m kissin

© 1990 Neal
Gladstone

Men, I don’t under- stand them
Men they give me such a pain
Men there’s no use to defend them
They’re only good for driving you insane
They stare at you and pester you and come knocking at
your door
They tell you that they love you like they never did
before
And when they get you where they want you, they don’t
want you anymore
Ah, men, men
M is for the Misery they cause you
E is for the Energy they take
N is for the Nuisance they are to you
Oh how could God have made such a mistake?
Men, there must be a good one
A man, a girl like me could love
But then, I have never met one
Who’s not a selfish good for nothing bum
Ah, men.

© 1996 Neal
Gladstone

It’s dawn you wake you feel the ache
A need you can’t conceal
You leave your bed thoughts fill your head
With Oooooatmeal
It’s warm, it’s gray it starts your day
It’s dense it’s cheap it’s real
No salt no fat, and less than that
It’s Ooooooooooat meal
Turgid slurry, pale and thick
Lays in your stomach, like a brick
That’s what life is all about
Fills you up and cleans you out
Each glob you scrape across your plate
Exqui- sitely congealed
Exquisitely deliciosly a marvel of viscosity
Enfolds your spoon in/with a glue cucoon
It’s Ooooooooot meal
Build a castle on a hill
Fill a moat with cream
Raisin soldiers line the bridge
Here comes the queen
Oh sacred grain I can’t explain
The strength of your appeal
Until I die I will rely
On Oooooooooooooooatmeal

© 1992 Neal
Gladstone

I’m in love with my cousin. Forbidden relation
It happened last summer on a family vacation
We met by the river. We swam in the water
That’s when I fell in love with my own uncle’s daughter
We hide in the shadows. We meet under cover
It’s the heartache of knowin his aunt is my mother
I dream we could marry and end all this cheatin’
But then we would worry our kids would be cretins
We were just cousins on a family excursion
Now we’re caught in a tangle of sin and perversion
I’m in love with my cousin. Forbidden relation
We’re destiny’s prisoner of inbreed temptation

© 1993 Neal
Gladstone

I’m in here drinkin Cause I in here thinkin
Bout you out there cheatin on me
And in this cunundrum I find myself wonderin
How I could have been so naive
My friends gave me warnin but I just ignored em
I wore my poor heart on my sleeve
I guess only cupid could make me so stupid
And blind as a damn fool can be
CHORUS
So hey ho set em up Joe,
And pour me another surprise
And I’ll be contented to sit here fermented
And curse you till the day that I die
Verse 2
Now I’ve had my share of pain and despair
Now I’ve had my portion of pain and misfortune
But I never felt this low before
And in this condition I find myself wishin
I could fall through the cracks in the floor
And when I get sober sometime next October
I might wander back to this bar
And drain the place empty and toast to the memory
Of what a cruel devil you are

© 1994 Neal
Gladstone

Well she’s 99 pounds of Lousiana woman
And a hundred pounds of love
She’s 59 inches of fire hot kisses
And I swear by the stars above
Louisiana woman-she’s gone and done a number on me
A number on me.
Well I was–sittin in a singles bar
Workin on a Lone Star
Listenin to a sad guitar
When she came cruisin through
I give her a double take
She hit me like and earth quake
Oh Lord, what’s a poor boy to do when you got
CHORUS
In her 501 blues
And her shrink to fit attitude
She was mighty bad news
For a two time loser like me
I was a little confused
So I slung me a platitude
Well 99 pounds can hit ya like a ton
When it’s fired from the eyes of a Louisiana woman
CHORUS

© 1992 Neal
Gladstone

Every summer breeze that blows
Starts your tender, burning nose
Dripping like a garden hose in June
Swollen eye lids block the sun
Mucous membranes weigh a ton
Mother nature’s just having fun with you
Chorus 1
You got Allergies Allergies
Make you cough and make you sneeze
Every little summer breeze brings allergies
Scratchy throat and aching jaw
Blazing nostrils cracked and raw
You’re wheezing like a power saw aren’t you
Kleenex wads around your bed
Hockey players in your head
Dinner tastes like Wonder bread and glue
Bridge
Muscles ache and molars itch
Eyeballs feel like olive pits
Cold sores sprout like Goodyear blimps
On your blistered lips
Simultaneous with bridge
Just remember
What your mother said
Drink some tea and
Take a Sudaphed
Close the windows
Get rid of the cat
Wrap your head up
With/In a plastic bag/Saran Wrap
Close the windows
Use your nasal spray
Take your vitamins
Give the cat away
Buy a gas mask
Do a head stand
Sell the house and
Move to Iceland
So slather on the vaseline
Pop that antihistimine
Your nose looks like a nectarine
But there’s nothing you can do/you haven’t got the flu
you got
And bid your ass adieu
Chorus 3
You got Allergies Allergies
Don’t drink milk and don’t eat cheeze
Every little summer breeze brings allergies
Allergies won’t somebody help me with these
Allergies Allergies
Hell beneath the cottonwood trees
Every little summer breeze brings allergies
Won’t somebody save me from these Allergies