Category: An American Dawg

© 1990 Neal
Gladstone

If your nose is drippin and your throat is sore
If your ears are ringin and your eyesight’s poor
I am the doc on the block you should be looking for cause
I’m the
Eye ear nose and throat man
I’m the best in the business and it’s not hard to see
Everything above the neck is my specialty
So don’t mess with the rest come directly to me cause
I’m the
Eye ear nose and throat man
Think of my position
As your personal physician
I’ll advise you on nutrition
Sweeten your condition
Cause I consider it my mission
To enhance your disposition
Reduce your inhibition
Yeah I’m a medical magician
I can bolster your defenses I can rectify your ills
With the proper combination of therapy and pills
A hundred happy customers are glad to pay my bills cause
I’m the
Eye ear nose and throat man
When you come in for consultation–there is no obligation
We’ll discuss the situation in total relaxation
I’ll give you an examination–prescribe some medication
Soon there’ll be confirmation–Of complete recuperation
Bridge 2

© 1988 Neal
Gladstone

I was driving home late from a party
I was having a wonderful time
With the radio up, the windows rolled down
And romance on my mind
When I saw something flash in the mirror
I looked back and what did I see
It was a big, black, shiny patrol car
Doing a light show for me
I pulled over on to the shoulder
An officer walked to my car
How handsome he looked, as he opened his book
In his boots and his shiny gold star
The traffic around us was stopping
To watch us as they went by
With his big, black, shiny patrol car
Flashing like the 4th of July
His arms were so strong and his eyes were so blue
He said “Where’s that big fire
that your goin to?”
Hold me for questioning I won’t resist
I want to be on your most wanted list
Officer Bradford is hot on my trail
Cuff me and take me to jail
I had surrendered and was ready to go
When a voice crackled over his radio
Someone was robbing a grocery store
He jumped in his squad car and slammed the big door
His powerful engine came on with a roar
With his sirens screaming and his foot to the floor
He went racing off to the scene of the crime
Leaving hot rubber behind
Officer Bradford oh where have you been
I dream every night that you’ll stop me again
I thought of a way I could find you
And I have a very good plan
Now when I go past, where you stopped me last
I always drive as fast as I can
I know that some day you will catch me
And ask me to go for a ride
In your BBSPC
With all that equipment inside
Officer Bradford put me up on your screen
If you take me in don’t you know I’ll come clean
Officer B. we could have so much fun
Blowing your siren and shooting your gun
Officer Bradford is hot on my tail
Cuff me and take me to jail

© 1987 Neal
Gladstone

What am I doing here
You’ve made it very clear
That I should disappear
Alright , I’ll do it
I gave you all I had
But you still treat me bad
Guess I should call a cab
Alright I’ll do it
When you asked me to make love to you
In cycle boots with diapers on my head
I did it
When you tied me down with paperclips
And made me eat potato chips in bed
I did it
I sit by the telephone
Work on my muscle tone
Should I try silicone
Alright, I do it
My doctor says that I’m depressed
I should be friends with other men instead
Forget it
When other men ask me to spend
The night with them I always say drop dead
They do it
Heaven knows I have tried
To keep you satisfied
Now I’m thinking suicide
Alright, I’ll do it

1989 Neal
Gladstone

When there’s a grapefruit in your life
Every morning is a treasure
When you stumble from your bed, your eyes are slits of
red
And your tongue tastes like a tire
When you open up the door
Of your frost free Kelvinator
There’s a gleaming yellow sphere right behind the beer
Cast aside your cares and strife
There’s a grapefruit in your life
When there’s a grapefruit on your plate
You tremble with anticipation
When a perfect golden jewel, succulent and cool
Wakens to your fond caress
As you pierce the blushing skin
Juices flow in all directions
Slice a tender ruby wedge with your cool serrated edge
Bow your head and celebrate
There’s a grapefruit on your plate
Bridge
I have known life’s finest pleasures
Rembrandt, Keats and Mahler
But how can Keats compete with these at
3 pounds for a dollar
When there’s a grapefruit in your mouth
You can scarce believe your mortal
Every tender bite you chew spreads a sweet and fruity
goo
Over every tooth and gum
And your taste buds burst with song
In a fructose exultation
Let us give a fond salute to the noble citrus fruit
Thank your grocer thank the south
There’s a grapefruit in your mouth

© Neal
Gladstone

You wake up in the morning
You crack a scarlet eye
You drank too much
And went to bed too late
Your health is in the blender
It’s time to make a change
You never will till you appreciate
The way the body works
You go to see a doctor
He’s greedy and obscene
He makes you wait
And then he takes your dough
But when you get pneumonia
Or cancer of the spleen
I tell you, folks,
I’m really glad they know
The way the body works
It suffers scrapes and breaks
And sprains and various abuses
It fixes every one of them
And no excuses
And under certain circumstances
Even reproduces
The body works…
The body works…yeah yeah
Survives Chicago winters
And Los Angeles air
And chews a tuna sandwich on request
It lives on Coca Cola
And does its own repair
I tell you, boys,
I really am impressed
The way the body works

© 1990 Neal Gladstone

I stand 2 foot 3 I weigh 29 pounds
My teeth are yellow and my eyes are brown
I got a four inch nose stickin’ out of my face
And if you’re lookin’ for trouble, you come to the right
place cause
I’m an American dog: DAWG
I’m man’s best friend so you better not mess with me
I was born in an alley in the freezin cold
My mama left me when I was six weeks old
My daddy was a drifter till he ran outa luck
Had a difference of opinion with a Chevrolet truck
Chorus
The neighborhood ladies they know what I got
My nose may be cold but my blood is hot
Don’t put me on a leash, I don’t like to be confined
Cause I’m the 7th son in a litter of nine
Chorus
You better feed me good, you better treat me right
Or I’ll pee on your rug, and I’ll bark all night
I’m an American dog that’s the way I am
Don’t give me none of that dry food–I like the stuff
in the can
Chorus
See the Discarded
Lyrics for this song