Neal Gladstone Memorial Site

Author: Web Admin Cole

  • Mr. August

    ©2004 Neal Gladstone

    My mama raised me modest, virtuous and true
    I never meant to cause her any grief
    And so I’m loathe to mention
    That despite her best intention
    I seem to have turned over a new leaf
    I’m Mr. August baring it all
    Hung in your kitchen and tacked to your wall
    Ain’t it sublime cause hey baby I’m Mr. August
    I have to admit it I look pretty swell
    Out in the garden au naturel
    Did anyone bring a little sun screen for Mr. August
    I got a little bit nervous when I was pressed into service so late in the year
    That so much exposure might impair my composure
    And put a crimp in my career
    I might look happy but you’d be surprised
    There’s a piano crushing my thighs
    88 keys putting the squeeze on Mr. August
    You know It’s hard to perform when you can’t get warm
    And you’re wearin’ the bare essentials
    But you brought me luck when you put me up
    And unleashed my potential
    We knew when this started that it couldn’t last
    Soon Mr. A will slip into the past
    It’s nearly time to say goodbye to Mr. August
    Now days grow shorter and sweet summer fades
    So blow me a kiss and flip up my page
    We had a good run I hope you had fun with Mr. August
    You can be sure I’ll always be your Mr. August
    … doesn’t time just fly…..

  • Mosquitoes

    © 1980 Neal
    Gladstone

    It’s time for that vacation you’ve been planning for
    a year
    You pack the station wagon with fishing poles and beer
    You drive for fifteen hours to Lake Winhatcheekoo
    The kids are all excited; the dog’s excited too
    You check out every campground till you find the perfect
    spot
    You think of Harvey Pickleman and all those fish he caught
    You think you are in heaven, but there’s one thing you
    forgot
    (Mnnnnnn)
    You suddenly remember, you didn’t bring the spray
    The kids have started fighting, and the dog has run away
    With both hands slapping madly, you try to pitch the
    tent
    The stove is out of gas and the firewood is wet
    The kids are soaked and filthy, they’ve been wading in
    the creek
    By now it’s started raining and the tent has sprung a
    leak
    You fall in bed exhausted and you’re just about asleep
    when you hear….
    We love to keep you itching, we love to hear you bitching,
    It’s always fun to see if you survive
    And all the time you’re scratching, more of us are hatching
    To drive you mad and eat you half alive
    We’re always glad to see you, in summer, fall or spring
    There’s nothing we like better than human high cuisine
    No need to dress for dinner, no need to make a fuss
    No matter what your taste is, you sure taste good to
    us
    Please accept our invitation and join us for a snack
    We think of you quite fondly as a very large Big Mac
    Don’t stay away too long we surely hope you’ll hurry
    back

  • Morris and Hilda

    © 1973 Neal
    Gladstone
    and Michael Koss
    Hilda led the cheering in the rain
    Morris caught the pass that won the game
    Hilda looked at Morris thru the crowd
    Very loud
    They knew their lives would never be the same
    Morris bought a beer to celebrate
    Hilda bought a dress and set the date
    Hilda warned him not to go too far
    It was hard
    He wants her but his conscience made him wait
    Wee oo wee oo wee oo wee oo wee
    They’re flying to Greece for the honeymoon
    Wee oo wee oo wee oo wee oo wee
    They’ll live in a cottage
    With a white picket fence
    And a stream running close by the door
    The bride came down the aisle in virgin white
    The inlaws were suspicious but polite
    The organist played Mendelsohn with care
    Only fair
    And Morris dreamed about the wedding night
    Dad perspired and gave away the bride
    Aunt Minerva bit her lip and cried
    Hilda took the ring and said I do
    And so do you
    And every heart felt happiness inside

  • Men

    © 1990 Neal
    Gladstone

    Men, I don’t under- stand them
    Men they give me such a pain
    Men there’s no use to defend them
    They’re only good for driving you insane
    They stare at you and pester you and come knocking at
    your door
    They tell you that they love you like they never did
    before
    And when they get you where they want you, they don’t
    want you anymore
    Ah, men, men
    M is for the Misery they cause you
    E is for the Energy they take
    N is for the Nuisance they are to you
    Oh how could God have made such a mistake?
    Men, there must be a good one
    A man, a girl like me could love
    But then, I have never met one
    Who’s not a selfish good for nothing bum
    Ah, men.

  • Melody

    © 1978 Neal
    Gladstone

    Melody, melody stay with me for a while
    Thundering, whispering
    Filling the night with the spark and the light of a
    Harmony calling me, carry me once again
    Have you a tune that I can borrow
    For a song?
    I can hear your love
    Climbing to C above
    So high to be tripping on ebony
    What can I do
    To show my love for you
    As time flows free from you to me
    Melody, melody,
    Stay with me a while
    You’ve been wandering, hungering
    Scattered and lost in the gathering dust of a
    Memory finally someone has come along
    To set you free and give you reason
    For a song
    I can feel your love
    Climbing to C above
    So high to be tripping on ebony

  • Mother’s Birthday

    ©2004 Neal Gladstone

    You were born this day hip hip hooray
    So we threw this party for you
    But with due respect we must not forget
    The one who conceived and bore you
    Let’s drink a toast to your mother
    It’s the least that we can do
    It’s your mother’s birthday too
    For 9 long months she groans and grunts
    And turns into a teepee
    Then out you slid and all you did was
    Breast feed and go pee pee
    So pick up the phone and call her
    It’s the least that you can do
    It’s your mother’s birthday too
    For 16 years you cause her tears
    While she works her fingers boney
    She bakes you pie while she scrapes by
    On crackers and boloney
    So pick up the phone and call her
    It’s the least that you can do
    It’s your mother’s birthday too
    Then one fine day you move away saying
    “See you at Thanksgiving”
    Well she builds you a shrine and she spends her time
    Asking if life is worth living
    So pick up the phone and call her
    It’s the least that you can do
    It’s your mother’s birthday too
    Bridge
    You think you’re so special, go on take your bow
    But without your mother, where would you be now
    Would it ask so much you ungrateful putz
    To think of her more often
    How will you sleep you selfish creep
    When you’ve put her in her coffin
    So pick up the phone and call her
    It’s the least that you can do
    It’s your mother’s birthday too

  • I Don’t Think So

    ©1996 Neal & Barbara Gladstone

    You hurt me baby You cut me deep
    You took my pride You made me weep
    And now you drive up in your Cadillac
    Thinking that I’m gonna take you back like that
    Just like that
    I’d rather build my house on a railroad track
    You hurt me, baby You left me alone
    You broke my heart You wrecked my home
    And here you come talkin’ smooth and soft
    Sayin that you just can’t get me off your mind
    Off your mind
    I think you been drinkin too much turpentine
    You want those Good times again
    It’s gonna be like it was back then
    When the seas dry up and the stars burn out
    And hell gets covered with snow – whoa
    Honey, I don’t think so!
    I know you, baby, I know your style
    Your one half man, and one half reptile
    And now you come crawlin up to me
    Thinkin everything is goin to be alright just alright
    You must think that I’m not too bright
    You want those good times again
    It’s gonna be like it was back then
    When the seas dry up and the stars burn out
    And hell gets covered with snow – whoa
    Honey, I don’t think so!
    Just like that
    You can drive around in your fancy car
    Just like that
    You can get dressed up like a movie star
    Just like that
    You can tell your lies till you’re all worn out
    Just like that
    But honey there’s one thing you can forget about and that’s
    Chorus

  • Major Label

    © 2002 Neal Gladstone

    One day I said to my wife where have I been all my life
    It’s time to savor the fruits of my labor
    And let fame and fortune collide
    Unlock the icon inside
    And hop on that rocket and ride
    CHORUS
    Major Label discover me
    You can take me where I want to be
    Sign that contract shake my hand
    Major Label Here I am
    Won’t all my friends be amazed
    When I am the latest craze
    The fans will adore me and brands will emplore me
    To wear their design on my jeans (fill up the video screens)
    Pump their promotion machines (champagne and black limosines)
    Cause that’s what America means
    ML label me
    Make me into a teenagers fantasy
    I’ll pierce my nipple and get a tan
    ML here I am
    BRIDGE
    There is no one I can’t be
    With the right publicity
    There is nowhere I can’t go
    If you get on the Letterman Show
    VERSE
    My limo glides into town
    Frenzied fans cluster around
    I fly to Tibet in my personal jet
    Where I dine with a French Billionaire
    I dress in mink underwear
    At 2000 dollars a pair
    ML market me
    Maximize your shareholders’ equity
    Crunch the numbers fill your RAM
    ML Here I am
    BREAK
    He signs a multi-movie deal
    They put his face on a Happy Meal
    He marries a model Opens the bottle
    Everyone knows what comes next
    It’s just what the pub-lic ex-pects
    (Then) My career takes a dive
    And I get sued by 4 different wives
    My agent won’t call me
    The kids call me baldy
    And box office goes down the drain
    I take to gin and cocaine
    And my Harley slams into a train
    ML remember me
    Put my life on a DVD
    Find a pop star to sing my song
    Cause ML I am gone
    ML wholesale me
    You don’t want to get stuck with all that extra inventory
    The goose is gutted The well is dry
    Major label say goodbye

  • Lullaby

    © 1987 Neal
    Gladstone

    Come on baby close your eyes
    I am here right beside you
    When you sleep the stars will rise
    To shine their lullaby
    So sleep sleep easy and deep
    And angels will take you flying
    Sleep sleep
    May all of your dreams come true
    Resting in my arms
    Not a soul can harm you now
    Come on baby ease your mind
    Don’t you know how I love you
    Time to leave this world behind
    Everything will be alright
    Chorus

  • Lower Your Standards

    © 2002 Neal Gladstone

    If you are wondering, my dear
    When true love ever will be yours
    If you are hoping to find
    The key that will open love’s doors
    There is a secret there is the chance
    To find that someone your true romance
    Here’s all you really need to do
    Just lower your standards lower your standards
    He may not be perfect but he will do
    Love isn’t tricky if you’re not too picky
    And like a fungus he will grow on you
    You may never know why he lives in a pig sty
    Heaven knows he’s doing the best he can
    Tho he may not be Tom Cruise still he’s learned to tie his shoes
    So lower your standards he’s just a man
    You may meet him at a party proving how much he can drink
    He may be passed out in the bathroom or throwing up in the sink
    When he asks you for your number keep an open mind
    He just needs some understanding amd there’s a reason that love is
    blind
    So you can lower your standards lower your standards
    He’s not an Adonnis, but he will do
    Love isn’t tricky if you’re not too picky
    Like a fungus he will grow on you
    When he says “Honey, can I have some money.”
    Now is that so hard to understand
    Though he may think Claude Monet plays tailback for LA
    Just Lower your standards he’s just a man
    He may have some manly habits. He may smoke a big cigar
    Burning holes into your sofa and stinking up your car
    He may love to chew tobacco and spit into a can
    It may be a bit annoying but surely you can understand if you
    Lower your standards lower your standards
    He may not be perfect but he will do
    Love isn’t tricky, if you’re not too picky
    Like a fungus he will grow on you
    So he comes to bed sweaty–why be so petty
    You can always just turn on a fan
    Though he may not have the brain of a bowl of shrimp chow mein
    Lower your standards he’s just a man
    Though he may not be too smart, still he’s got all the right parts
    So lower your standards, he’s just a man