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© 1982 Neal
Gladstone

There’s something I should tell you,
But please don’t tell my wife
You may not want to hear it,
But it’s bugged you all your life
It’s clear and it’s confusing,
It’s simple and complex
It’s sex sex sex sex sex
You can’t discuss it with your neighbor
But you watch it on TV
It’s against the law to buy it,
But it’s legal if it’s free
From the tiniest mosquito
To Tyrannosaurus Rex
Sex sex sex sex sex
Mother smacked you if you said it
When you were just a kid
You were uncool if you didn’t
And suspended if you did
Every school boy knows about it
But it’s censored from the text
Sex sex sex sex sex
You meet a guy from Frisco,
He’s staring at your throat
He’s sexy if you like him,
Obnoxious if you don’t
You have to be suspicious,
It’s just what he expects
Sex sex sex sex sex
Now it’s okay if you do it,
But not on the first date
It’s charming to imply it,
But pushy to be straight
And don’t let on you’re thinking
About what’s coming next
Sex sex sex sex sex
If you’re married it’s a blessing,
If you’re single, it’s a sin
You do it with your husband
But you think of it with Jim
He’s floating off in ecstasy,
You’re balancing the checks
Sex sex sex sex sex
You want to but you shouldn’t
You tried to but you couldn’t
And when you finally did it
You suddenly wish you hadn’t
You always face rejection
You always risk infection
Hey!
There’s no way to escape it,
They use it to sell cars
It’s been going on forever,
In palaces and bars
They built California
On the marriages it wrecks
Sex sex sex sex etc. etc.

© 1992 Neal
Gladstone

We’re self-righteous Stanley and self-righteous Sue
We live on self-righteous avenue
You know you could be self-righteous too
As long as you believe what we do
If you suffer from confusion
We have the ideal solution
We can offer you a guarantee
Of freedom from uncertainty
Just accept our dogma mindlessly
And ignore the Constitution
We maintain a close inspection
Of unauthorized affection
As the guardians of morality
It’s our responsibility
To violate your privacy
For your own protection
To protect you from corruption
We’ll defy the court injunction
Since you have no shame or self-control
It’s up to us to save your soul
And take a more directive role
In your reproduction
If you’re looking for salvation
We have inside information
Invest with us and rest assured
Your pains and problems will be cured
Your place in heav’n can be secured
With a large enough donation

1989 Neal Gladstone

He stood 5 foot 8 weighed 145
And everyone knew not a man alive
Could save a dollar or mow a yard
Or tell worse jokes or get as hard as…Malango
He grew up tough in New York City
Where the girls are fast and life ain’t pretty
He had half a stomach and one good eye
But people shook when he walked by…Malango
He stalked the halls of CHS
The sophomores feared him more than death
The junior boys cleared him a path
And the girls longed to share a bath with…Malango
He played volley ball like a man possessed
With an iron fist and 30 inch chest
The women screamed and quaked with fright
As they gazed in awe at his mighty spike…Malango
After work he’d wrap his hand
Around an Old Milwaukee can
He liked his women like he liked his brew
Clear, full-bodied, dark and cool…Malango
One day a new mime teacher rode into town
And challenged Joe to a silent show down
At center stage they took their places
Gasping and wheezing at 20 paces…Malango
That stranger was good but Joe was better
And hearts beat fast as hands slapped leather
The stranger knew his time had come
When he saw the massive gleaming gun of…Malango
And then one day he borrowed a buck
And climbed into his pickup truck
He slid her down into first gear
And said, “Hey, baby, I’m outa here.”…Malango
And late at night when children cry
And thunder rolls across the sky
As the final stroke of midnight falls
One name still echoes down the halls…Malango