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Crazy Truckers

© 1983 Neal Gladstone

I was makin a run one New Year's Eve
Man you better believe I was fried
I was two days shy on sleep, had a gut full of concrete
And a killer migraine half a mile wide
It was snowin like a bitch, there was semi's in the ditch
And you couldn't tell which way as up for sure
The wind was rippin from the north and I was flippin back and forth
Like a mama walleye tryin to shake a lure

Now my eyeballs burned like a pair of combat signal flares
And whether I could stay awake I had my doubts
But if I pulled off for a nap I might get buried in this crap
And then it'd take a crane to pull me out
So I drank a few more rounds of pureéd coffee grounds
And used some words I never learned to spell
By now the traction was so bad it took near everything I had
Just to keep that heavy mother parallel
And I'm one of them crazy truckers
One of Mother Nature's suckers
For a life as free as wind and hard as nails
I been baked and soaked and frozen
As I rolled between the oceans
And I spent a night or two in a county jail
But there's nothin like the hummin
Of that open highway comin
And stretchin out as far as you can see
It's a life of steak and gravy
If it doesn't drive you crazy
The road's the sweetest place a man can be
Now there was no way I could know as I crippled through the snow
With my fryin eyelids clickin out Morse Code
But a Southern Central freight was steamin open throttle straight
Toward a railroad crossing a half a mile down the road
By now my body ached for sleep like a grizzly bear in heat
And a man can only hold out for so long
And as I passed a sign that read: "Railroad Crossing" just ahead
My lids dropped one last time and I was gone
I don't know how long I was out or what that nightmare was about
But some ungodly rumble brought me back
And I pried open my eyes just in time to realize
I was sprawlin jack-knifed clean across the track
A screamin airhorn split the night as my knuckles twisted white
And the sound of thunder turned my plasma sour
And through my icy pane I saw a mother-loving train
Bearin down on me at 60 miles an hour
Well I quivered like a beetle on a bug collector's needle
And I whimpered as my backbone turned to slime
And when I saw them sparks appear the message came home loud and clear
Only an act of God could stop that train in time
Then that engine filled my eyes like a 90-story high-rise
And I heard a sound no man has lived to tell
Then my tractor caught the force of a hundred thousand horse
And I rode that screamin diesel into hell
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